Evening Hosts Lampoon Trump's New 'Gold Card' Residency Plan

TV's top comedians devoted their broadcast mocking President Donald Trump's recently launched immigration program, labeled the "Trump card," describing it as a blatant cash-for-residency arrangement for the rich.

Colbert's Pointed Spin

Opening his program, Stephen Colbert offered a sardonic holiday jingle about the president. "He is making a list, checking it twice, and then handing that list to the agents at ICE," he sang. "Trump ... destroys everything he handles."

The focus was the new program which permits international citizens to purchase U.S. residency for an investment of a million dollars, with a "premium" tier for five million. An official page guarantees processing "with unprecedented speed."

"A brief note for you to affluent immigrants: prior to you pony up, have you considered Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He explained that the card is also intended to "extract cash" from businesses wanting to hire skilled workers, requiring large costs. "That is a lot of fees, but if you register, you additionally get two free nights at a hotel of your selection – if it's the a specific Marriott," he added.

"Unprecedented background check the government has ever done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to ensure these applicants completely are eligible to be in America."

"That's important, you have to prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "Question one: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Roast

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the visa program the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"It's a card that will allow affluent foreigners to live here," he stated. "For a million bucks, you get legal visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one serious crime of your choosing."

"Perhaps it's time to change that poem on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your poor masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel lampooned the simplicity of the application, observing it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"That's right, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "It's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you give the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Economic Issues

Elsewhere, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's plunging approval ratings during economic concerns. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term because they were mad about the economy," he said.

Recently, in a attempt to tackle affordability, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a selection of food items, where he reacted strangely to some cereal.

"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."

"Trump is so fucking weird," Meyers said. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers finished by targeting right-leaning news coverage of Trump's financial record. "Maybe instead of complaining, you should give him a shiny trophy like what FIFA did," he joked.